


Healing

by BelWatson



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Acceptance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, Recovery, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2019-07-18 03:58:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelWatson/pseuds/BelWatson
Summary: "Would you let me hold you?""Why?""Because I want you in my life."∞After waking up from the coma, Jinyoung cannot seem to get rid of this other boy who seems set on turning his life upside down, making him want to… live.





	1. the accident

**Author's Note:**

> So this is how the sequel to [Acrophilia](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12276306/chapters/27902904) starts. It'll probably be more depressing and triggering than Acrophilia, but it'll be also filled with joy, and happiness and fluff, with a Sumer smitten Jaebeom following Jinyoung. As much as there'll be angst, there'll be love, and a happy ending.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this new ride.
> 
> Bel, xx

    

 

       “Ugh, can’t you stop being so narcissist? The world doesn’t revolve around you!” Haeyoung screams, rolling her eyes and looking fed up with Jinyoung.

He steps back, hurt because he’s never thought the world revolved around him, he has always wanted to disappear from the world, but everyone thinks the opposite. Everyone thinks he’s just a drama queen, screaming for attention. No one believes how he feels, no one listens to his thoughts or tries to understand him.

Not even his family.

Jinyoung doesn’t remember why he’s fighting with his sister, again, why she’s shouting at him. It could be for what happened on her birthday, or any other day. She is always annoyed at him.

“Do you have to make a scene wherever you go so everyone notices you? Why do you need everyone to look at you?!” She continues, even when Jinyoung doesn’t answer. He does not know what to say. His mind started to slip away when she started to make no sense.

He is barely listening to what she’s saying, her screams and all the fuss she is making. He knows their parents are around, but they probably don’t care about what’s happening.

“Why don’t you die once and for all? Do it properly and kill yourself!” Haeyoung screams, so loud her voice breaks and Jinyoung snaps, her words cutting through him and leaving him open.

“Haeyoung!” Their mother screams, her hurried steps resonate as she approaches them, immediately grabbing Haeyoung’s hand to shake her. “Don’t say that!”

“Why not?! He’s always saying how much he wants to die and when he tries, he fails. I’m just telling him to do a better job!”

“You don’t mean that!” Their mother shouts back.

“I do! I’m tired of him always making a scene, always stealing the attention, always making it all about him, him, him. Go and kill yourself!” Haeyoung screams, glaring at Jinyoung with so much resentment he doesn’t understand.

Their mother slaps Haeyoung, so hard she ends up looking in another direction, her hair all over her face, breathing hard.

Jinyoung is cold, he doesn’t know what to say or what to feel, and when his mother looks over her shoulder at him, worried, his sister snaps again.

“And there you have him! Staying quiet to make me the monster and turn you all against me!”

It makes no sense, his sister has never been this angry before, so hateful and he doesn’t wanttheir mother to hit her again, so he turns around and walks away, out of the house. He grabs his bike and just pedals away, putting as much distance from home as he can. Maybe like that things will get better, maybe Haeyoung will calm down and go back to her usual self. Maybe, if he’s not there, they’ll be fine.

He just pedals through the own pain he’s feeling, ignoring the tears sliding from the corner of his eyes. Due to the wind or his own broken heart, he has no idea but he doesn’t bother to wipe them, he just continues going forward. It’s past midnight, it’s so dark and there are so few people around, just a few cars passing by.

His sight becomes blurrier, blinking doesn’t fix it so he aggressively wipes the tears with his arm, not stopping, not caring. By the time he grabs the handle again, he is in the middle of the crossroad, a truck is honking so loud and the lights are so bright, so huge he cannot see anything else.

One heartbeat and the oncoming truck is honking.

Two heartbeats and he’s flying in the air, everything is so bright, everything is so loud he cannot hear anything, just a high pitched sound in his ear, deafening.

Three heartbeats and he hits the floor as the truck hits another car.

Four heartbeats and he closes his eyes, crying even when he doesn’t feel anything at all. Not even his body, not even a little bit of pain. He’s numb.

Five heartbeats and everything is black, everything is gone.


	2. stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a Christmas miracle! I've managed to force myself to grab my laptop and write the chapter. I have been going through a lot, I have to come back to my country and I'm picking up the pieces of my life now. I think it's time to write this story and as I deal with Jinyoung, I'll face my own issues and, hopefully, get better, too.  
> Pressure me as much as you can! Pressure to update actually works for me so feel free to nag as much as you want.  
> Happy Holidays!

Park Jinyoung is numb.

He woke up from an about six months coma yet he still feels as unconscious and paralyzed, almost as if he had not woke up yet. There’s something missing, something big that makes it feel like there’s a hole in his soul, black, void and aching. It makes him wake up gaping for air, sometimes crying and he doesn’t even know what that is.

Physically, Jinyoung is okay. His wounds, which were mostly internal, are healed. He needs rehabilitation for his weakened muscles and to try to get back most of the mobility of his left arm. Considering the big accident he was in, the young man was lucky not to lose his life, yet he does not feel grateful. He was not looking for death when he left his home that night but he was never looking forward living either. Moreover, he feels emptier than he did before, more alone.

When Jinyoung isn’t in therapy, he’s in his bed, looking out of the window as if like that he could find whatever is missing in him. His parents come to see him, but he isn’t very responsive even if there’s no problem with his speech. He holds onto a scarf that was in his room when he woke up, a scarf he doesn’t know if it even belongs to him or why he has it there, but it soothes something inside of him and the young man can’t let go of it.

Because it only seems Jinyoung is more depressed, his parents decide to move him to the psychiatric ward for more treatment, this is the worst they’ve seen him and now they are worried. Who would’ve thought it would take not doing anything at all for them to look worried again?

Jinyoung is now under physical therapy and psychiatric treatment. He talks to a doctor twice a week while being in that ward, with all sort of medications but he cannot even bother to count the amount of pills he’s taking.

Firstly, they think Jinyoung is traumatized because of being in coma so long and the accident, so the psychiatrist tries to cover that subject.

“How would you describe being in coma is?” The psychiatrist asks during their first session, and surprisingly, it’s the first question Jinyoung actually answers, even making eye contact.

“Like time travel,” Jinyoung explains and the doctor in front of him can’t hide his surprise, tilting his head a bit and looking more interested. “I remember… being me but younger, like different, younger versions of me that travelled to the present.”

“And what did you do when you travelled in time?” The doctor asked, leaning a bit forward.

Jinyoung shrugs. “I just wandered around. Always in high places.” For some reason, a small grin comes to the young man’s lips as he says that, as if he could recall a fond memory. He does not know why he does that. “I like heights.”

“Why did you go to those places?” Jinyoung can see the doctor writing something in a sheet of paper in a clipboard, trying to keep his eyes on the patient but also writing notes that probably say how crazy Jinyoung is.

“To enjoy the view,” he answers, breaking the eye contact.

He looks around the big room, filled with different degrees, pictures and many bookshelves filled with thick and dark coloured books with titles in English in big white letters. There are some paintings trying to give some life to the cream coloured room. The furniture is minimalist, but the sofa where he’s sitting, although grey and simple, is very comfortable. Yet Jinyoung’s attention is caught by the big windows and the view outside.

The office is in a tenth floor or so, the young man cannot recall when he came in, but he can guess based on the view of the city. It’s mostly buildings, all so alike, all so tall. It’s early in the day so the lights are consumed by the bright sun of a winter day in Seoul. Some billboards can be seen, but Jinyoung is more caught by the sky, so blue and vast, not a single cloud, only the big burning sun. He hasn’t gone outside since he woke up but he knows that even if he does, he wouldn’t feel the warmth of the sun on his skin. It shines bright but it’s too cold to be even felt.

The doctor is still talking, but Jinyoung isn’t listening anymore. He closes his eyes and imagines himself at the rooftop of the hospital, watching the view and how the sun slowly moves across the sky, to the West until it hides behind the horizon. It’s cold outside, and he can feel it. For some reason, he finds comfort in that and smiles as he wraps that scarf he cannot let go around his neck. It smells nice but like someone else, someone he can’t recognise but makes his stomach twist in longing.

Jinyoung is forced away from his daydream by the doctor snapping his fingers in front of his face. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at the man in front of him with dead eyes and no expression at all.

“I’ll see you in three days, Mr. Park.”

Jinyoung doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t even move because he can’t yet, he has to wait till a nurse comes to help him in the wheelchair and takes him outside.

It is fairly the same every time, some days Jinyoung speaks more, depending what kind of question the doctor will pose or how well the medicines are acting. He works on his rehabilitation without complaining, he just does as told. Honestly, he cannot wait till he’s out and walking on his own two feet, going wherever he wants. He needs to be outside, he needs to breathe the cold air.

It’s a slow progress, and the days seem to drag in the hospital. Everything so white, so sterile. Everything blends and nothing stands out for him. Jinyoung doesn’t feel the time passing by, he just sleeps and wakes up, does stuff and goes to sleep again. He has no consciousness of days or weeks, only when he looks outside the window. When he can see the snow falling or people dressing differently.  Jinyoung can tell how the holidays go by, Christmas, New Year’s, Lunar New Year’s and even Valentine’s day. He’s there in the hospital almost all winter and no drug or session with the psychiatrist could fill the hole in his soul.

However, the rehab showed results and now Jinyoung can walk on his own, his arm is basically normal and as it’s not his dominant hand, the little percentage of paralysis is almost unnoticeable. The biggest problem is the excruciating pain in his arm when he’s outside for too long and he gets cold, but not even that will take him away from the rooftop now that he can go there on his own. Jinyoung spends hours there, watching the sunset and waiting… he doesn’t not for whom or what, but it feels like he cannot go yet, something is ought to happen there. But nothing happens aside from a nurse coming for him every time.

Jinyoung realizes that if he wants to get out of the hospital, he needs to cooperate. He’s in a psychiatric ward so he needs to show improvement of some sort. Only because of that he starts actually listening to the doctor, speaking and opening up, covering the deep roots of his depression and changing medication that gives him energy and some will to go on.

It’s the last week of February when Jinyoung is cleared up and he can finally leave the hospital. He still needs to keep seeing the doctor as he isn’t cured, his depression won’t be gone magically, but he is well enough not to be monitored twenty-four seven.

Going back home doesn’t feel welcoming. His parent’s don’t know how to treat him so they mumble and end up making excuses to leave him alone. His sister cannot even look at him. Jinyoung can see the guilt eating her from inside, but also her pride stopping her from apologizing. Jinyoung is sure her mind tells her she didn’t cause the accident, and in all honestly, he doesn’t blame her. He doesn’t need an apology, he knows it was his fault, he was distracted and he showed up in front of the oncoming truck. He caused the accident.

One of the things Jinyoung asked when he woke up, the second or third time (he cannot recall much of the first time he woke up) was if everyone was all right. His parents complied to tell him no one had died in the accident, a woman was badly injured but she survived and woke up form her coma a few months before he did. One of his goals now that he is not in the hospital is finding who that woman is and apologize to her, and also the truck driver. It was his fault so if someone needs to say sorry it’s him, not his sister.

Jinyoung tries to remember the first time he woke up. He was told there was someone with him, a friend, but Jinyoung doesn’t have friends and whoever that person was, he never came back. He wonders if thats how he got the scarf.

Without a proper answer, Jinyoung assumes it was someone who was visiting another patient in the same room, someone who happened to see him waking up and called for the doctors.

Trying to get his life back, or whatever he had before the accident that people called a life, Jinyoung starts by looking for the truck driver. He needs to go to the police and explain who he is and why he needs to see the man. The police officer at that moment explains the man lost his driving license and was fined for the accident, they don’t know what he’s doing now but they give him an address after so much begging and promising he doesn’t want to scream at the driver, he only needs to apologize.

Jinyoung feels horrible knowing he costed the man his way of make a living, he begs the man isn’t doing too poorly because he has no way to help. He finished high school but he never went to college and he only worked part-time jobs before, but he has nothing now.

The man isn’t in his property but after asking around with the neighbours, Jinyoung finds out the man is working in a food truck in Sinchon. It takes him a while to get to that neighbourhood, and even finding the truck and the man.

The man works lone in one of the small streets that lead to so many bars and karaokes, a little blue track where he sells _teokbokki_ , constantly stirring it, with fishcake soup. There are two people eating in front of him while the man bows, smiles and wipes his seat with his forearm, back curved probably ching. It’s still fairly cold yet the man is lightly dressed. When Jinyoung spots him his body is frozen, he cannot approach him and he finally understands how his sister feels and why she cannot even meet his eyes. He understands the guilt that is now eating him alive and he feels like throwing up.

Like a coward, he turns around and steps away, feeling cold with shame. He hides in the scarf he wrapped around his neck before leaving the house and walks away, his eyes on the ground as he steadily keeps his pace. The stores and people pass by him, but he doesn’t look up. He hears the cars and busses drive on the big street, and all the noise from the city. It gets louder as he crosses Hongdae and quieter as he gets to Hapjeong, but he doesn’t stop until he reaches the river.

It’s late and cold, he’s dressed in just black jeans and a black sweater, the navy blue scarf is the warmest garment he’s wearing. The wind is blowing hard, the scarf and his hair that’s finally short after it grew so much during the coma dance with the wind. On the bridge and the sounds of the city are even louder, he cannot hear his own thoughts.

That’s exactly what he needs, so he walks and just watches the view, the black river and all the lights of the other bridges in the distance. The thousands of buildings around, and the black sky. Only the moon is shining so bright, but no stars can be seen.

When Jinyoung stops, he puts his feet and hands on the rail, trying to get a better view and enjoy the height of the bridge. The river is so far below, dark and looking turbulent, it looks appealing as if it were speaking to his soul, but not to jump in, it’s a different kind of call. It draws his guilt, his fear and despair, the back water takes away all his emotions and he can breathe.

“Not thinking of jumping, are you?” Someone asks next to him, making him look away from the river. Jinyoung looks to his right and he finds a young man, tall and muscular, with wide shoulders. Dressed in black like his own hair, the young man in front of him is incredibly handsome, with a little grin on his lips and narrow eyes that look at him so intensely, so… happily. Jinyoung can spot two dots under the man’s left eyebrow and he is surprised at the piercing. It’s only after he looks a bit closer he can see it’s a pair of twin moles.

Finding his voice after being surprised by the handsome stranger, Jinyoung replies trying to look composed and unaffected, “No, I was just en—”

“—enjoying the view,” the stranger finishes for him. “Some people actually enjoy heights.”

It’s as if the stranger had read his mind, confusing him. He squints his eyes as if like that he could figure out the handsome man in front of him, but he only seems amused and smiles at him, warmly and so happily. It seems like the other man knows something Jinyoung doesn’t, and that unsettles him.

Jinyoung keeps looking at him, trying to understand but he gets often distracted by how handsome the stranger is, and his heart seems to beat faster, excited. He doesn’t get what’s happening.

“Have I met you before?” He asks because there’s something oddly familiar about the young man.

The stranger doesn’t reply immediately, instead he grins and Jinyoung’s heart leaps, as if it did some lap in his heart, surprising him.

“Maybe,” he says with that grin that making Jinyoung feel a bit weak in the knees. “I’m Im Jaebeom,” he introduces himself, holding his hand and not losing that smile.

Jinyoung hesitates, looking at that hand and at the stranger in front of him, so handsome and somewhat familiar. He feels warmer than he did in the whole day and there’s a bubbling excitement in his guts, something that makes him want to smile back at him.

Instead, Jinyoung accepts the handshake and replies, “Park Jinyoung.”

“I know,” Im Jaebeom replies, smiling wider, stepping a bit closer and making Jinyoung’s heart speed up.

Seriously, who is the man in front of him?


	3. weird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's a new year and it took me so long but here's a new chapter. Enjoy!

       “Are you a stalker?” Jinyoung asks, taking a step backwards and eying the young man, Im Jaebeom, with suspicion. Why and how can he know him?

“What?” Jaebeom stutters, confused and blinking quickly. Jinyoung tries to step away and break the contact, but the other man doesn’t let go, instead he holds him a bit tighter. “No! Of course no I just… I mean…I know because I’m…”

“A stalker,” Jinyoung repeats, this time a statement, nodding and accepting.

His tone confuses Jaebeom, clearly, because he just holds on to those words without thinking and says, “Yes, that.”

Jinyoung snorts a bit, trying to hold his laughter as he sees how Jaebeom realizes what he said, shutting his eyes tight and looking like he wanted to slap himself.

“I mean no! Not that.” Jinyoung has to press his lips together not to laugh at how worked up Jaebeom looks. It’s endearing and he doesn’t even know he he’s teasing him instead or stepping away when there’s a guy who doesn’t want to let go of his hand. “I mean you look like a Park Jinyoung.”

“That’s a very lame excuse, you know that, Mr. Stalker?” Jinyoung smirks, watching how Jaebeom turns bright red.

“I’m not a stalker!” Jinyoung can’t help his chuckle this time, but he doesn’t want to stop teasing the man in front of him.

“It’s okay, acceptance is hard but it’s the first step,” he adds, patting the hand of the man with his left, trying to be comforting.

Jaebeom cannot come up with a reply, just gaping at him with his cheeks red as Jinyoung continues smirking.

“Stalker or not, you should let go of my hand. I did say I wasn’t jumping,” Jinyoung adds and just then Jaebeom realizes he hasn’t let go. With now even his ears turning red, Jaebeom releases Jinyoung and steps back, looking down and mumbling to himself something Jinyoung can’t quite grasp.

“I’m sorry, I came out weird,” Jaebeom mutters, still embarrassed and hiding a bit inside his black hoodie. Jinyoung feels this weird urge to wrap his scarf around the young man to help him hide his embarrassment.

“It’s okay, weird is fun. Unless it’s creepy weird,” Jinyoung reassures with a tiny smile, but this gesture flatters when Jaebeom looks up, still a bit hidden inside his hoodie, just his narrow eyes focused on Jinyoung. His stare is intense, as if the other man was trying to memorize him, and it makes Jinyoung feel hot, like he’s suffocating as his heart starts beating way too fast for someone who isn’t even walking.

“Am I creepy weird?” Jaebeom asks and Jinyoung can see a bit of vulnerability in those piercing eyes, some fear of what Jinyoung might answer.

_Yes,_ he should answer. The man in front of him is somewhat creepy in the way he looks at Jinyoung as if he already knew him. Instead, he answers, “No. Just weird.”

“Then would it be creepy if I ask you to grab coffee with me?”

It’s Jinyoung now who feels his cheeks warming up so he looks away, willing his heart to calm down, not knowing why he feels so excited for some simple invitation.

“Are you asking me out, Im Jaebeom-ssi?” Jinyoung asks, staring at the horizon. The sun long gone, the night sky an endless blackness with only a crescent moon shining. The lights from the other bridges are a rainbow being reflected in the dark waters underneath.

“Would it be creepy if I do?” Jaebeom asks, his voice lower and it makes Jinyoung take his eyes off of the scenery to be trapped in the other man’s stare, making him catch breath.

“N-no,” he stutters, trying to sound calm but his voice is a bit higher. “But why?” he asks, trying to take some control of the situation by asking the questions instead. “Did you fall for me?” He laughs, trying to tease the young man.

Jinyoung chokes when Jaebeom answers: “What if I did?”

His eyes widen as he stares at Jaebeom, although he’s blushing and blinking quickly, he is serious, watching Jinyoung intently.

“Then…” Jinyoung gulps. “Then you should pay for the coffee.”

Jaebeom smiles, wide and so cutely, his eyes almost disappearing and his white teeth showing, a straight line that make them look a bit too prominent, a bit too big. But Jaebeom looks so incredibly adorable, blindingly happy and Jinyoung feels all the knots and butterflies in his stomach at the sight, dumbfounding him with the intensity of his own reaction.

“I was planning to,” Jaebeom comments, stepping closer and making Jinyoung’s skin buzz at the proximity. “Shall we go? It’s getting cold and as good as you look in that scarf, I don’t think it’ll be enough.”

Jinyoung wants to squeal at the same time he wants to scold himself for feeling all these things, for reacting so strongly to a stranger. Sure, a super handsome and clumsily devastating stranger, but one nonetheless. This is not like Jinyoung, he doesn’t get flustered so easily, he’s always mocking and detached, coming off as arrogant sometimes. He feels oddly exposed and vulnerable, and that’s so unsettling.

“O-okay,” Jinyoung answers, hating a bit the dashing smile from the other man.

Yet he still follows Jaebeom as he leads the way, in complete silence. He doesn’t know what to say to break the ice and he still feels nervous. Jinyoung doesn’t miss the occasional side glances Jaebeom takes of  him, as if he needed to make sure Jinyoung is still by his side.

They finish crossing the bridge and go down to the parks by the riverside. They continue walking, Jinyoung just following Jaebeom blindly. Instead of feeling nervous of scared that the other man could be a serial killer, Jinyoung only feels nervous, excited.

There’s an _Angel’s Café_ near the parking lot and Jaebeom leads him upstairs, inside the café. They walk to the register and Jaebeom faces the cashier.

“A hot chocolate for me, and what do you want?” Jaebeom asks, turning to fix his eyes on Jinyoung again. He tells himself he doesn’t feel his skin getting hotter under his scrutiny.

“Just an Americano for me,” Jinyoung replies.

“You don’t want to sleep tonight?” Jaebeom asks and Jinyoung shakes his head.

“I’ve slept enough, I don’t like sleeping now,” Jinyoung answers, looking away not wanting to explain about being in a coma for so long.

“Ah, true,” Jaebeom mumbles, as if he understood. Jinyoung squints, watching Jaebeom more closely as he turns to finish the order and add some cake to share. He doesn’t know exactly what to think of the man next to him.

Jaebeom pays as he promised and receives the number the cashier gives him. Then he leads the way to one of the tables near the window, with a view to the river. The number sits on the table between them and Jinyoung keeps his eyes fixed on it, just waiting for it to buzz.

“So…” Jaebeom starts, asking Jinyoung to look up and meet his eyes. “Tell me about yourself.”

“What do you want to know?” Jinyoung asks, meeting Jaebeom’s eyes.

“I don’t know, anything? Everything?” Jaebeom shrugs. “What do you do? What things you hate? What’s your favourite ice cream flavour? Cat or dog person?”

“I don’t do anything, you can say I’m a bum leeching off his parents,” Jinyoung replies coldly, knowing that speaking about himself will push the other man away. “I hate… many things. People, life, traffic jam, cold coffee, when the skin of a fruit you’re peeling breaks,” he lists, watching the way Jaebeom’s lips curl in a small smile, amused. “And I don’t know, I’m not that into animals, I guess.”

“I think you’d look adorable playing with kittens,” Jaebeom comments. “Maybe I should take you to a cat café next.”

Jinyoung blinks, surprised Jaebeom doesn’t look slightly appalled by his answers and that he’s talking about future outings. Future dates.

Jinyoung tells himself he doesn’t feel butterflies.

“Do you want to find something to do or do you feel you’re not prepared yet?” he questions next, not giving Jinyoung much time to feel surprised.

“I.. don’t feel ready or motivated,” he answers. He’s never seen a reason why to try doing anything, not feeling passion or interest for anything. But he doesn’t want to explain this and show how messed up he is.

“I see, I’m sure it’s hard to find what you want to do in life, and rushing it can only lead to a mistake.” Jinyoung isn’t used to people being understanding of his depressive view of life. His parents always tried to force him into doing something, anything because you can’t just do nothing in life.  “I’m sure you’ll find something you’d like to explore eventually.”

“What do you do?” Jinyoung asks, wanting to deviate the attention from him.

Jaebeom is about to answer when the number buzzes, so he excuses himself and goes for their order. Jinyoung watches him walk, not missing how other people in the café look at the handsome man, talking in whispers. Girls even giggling and blushing.

Jaebeom comes back, putting the red velvet cake between them, the mug with black Americano in front of Jinyoung and the cup with hot chocolate with whipped cream in front of him.

“You have a sweet tooth,” Jinyoung points out, watching Jaebeom take a small bite at the whipped cream. He looks up, licking his lips and smiling sheepishly.

“Yeah, I do,” he smiles. “And to answer your previous question, I just graduated from photography. I don’t have a job yet though.”

“How old are you?” he asks, knowing Jaebeom cannot be much older than him if he just finished university.

“I turned twenty-five recently,” Jaebeom answers. Jinyoung makes the math in his head and he realizes Jaebeom is an early ninety-four liner, older than him but for a few months.

“Then I guess I can call you hyung,” Jinyoung comments, not even knowing why he’d want to sound more familiar.

“Please do,” Jaebeom smiles warmly, as if that was what he wanted the most.

That smile makes Jinyoung slightly uncomfortable, so he looks away, taking the mug in his hands to take a sip at his black coffee, bitter as he likes it.

Jaebeom doesn’t say anything else, but Jinyoung feels the other man’s eyes on him, making him feel so nervous.

“It’s good seeing you drink something,” Jaebeom comments, confusing Jinyoung who turns to watch the other man with a furrowed brow.

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung demands.

Jaebeom blushes again, blinking and breaking eye contact. Jinyoung doesn’t bulge; he just waits for an explanation that makes sense.

“I mean… you look good, like in a commercial,” Jaebeom answers, smiling shyly. “Maybe you should be an actor, you sure are handsome and I’d buy whatever you sell.”

Whatever suspicion he felt seconds ago is gone and now Jinyoung is blushing again, completely flustered and flattered, and the fact Jaebeom is smiling so charmingly doesn’t help at all. He looks away again, trying to hide behind the cup and trying not to feel so self-conscious as Jaebeom watches him drink.

“Stop staring at me,” Jinyoung mutters, not liking feeling so hot.

“When you stop looking so good,” Jaebeom answers cheekily and Jinyoung feels so stupid for being flustered and excited with such cheesy remarks.

“You’re horrible,” Jinyoung accuses, but Jaebeom doesn’t look offended, he only shrugs.

“You like it,” he dares to reply and Jinyoung can’t look at him, he can’t accept that’s true, he likes it.


	4. butterflies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who had time today at work and decided to do soemthing compeltely unrelated but productive? that's me! enjoy the fluff

                     It’s hard to relax when someone is staring at you so intently; Jinyoung even has a hard time meeting Jaebeom’s eyes because the older one seems too fascinated watching him.

“Do I have something on my face? Because otherwise you need to stop staring,” Jinyoung snaps, not too hard, just too nervous.

“No, there’s nothing, but you’re just so pretty to look at,” Jaebeom smirks, blushing a bit because he knows he’s being lame and too buttery, yet Jinyoung still reacts, his cheeks bright red and lips tightly pressed together.

“You’re lame,” Jinyoung accuses, trying so hard to look unfazed, but his palms are sweating.

“If you don’t wanna hear my lame lines, why don’t you tell me more about yourself?” Jaebeom trades, grabbing one of the forks to take a bite of the cake. Jinyoung can’t help following the movement and how his lips curl in a tiny satisfied smile. Jinyoung doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, but Jaebeom seems to really enjoy the cake and he’s tempted to try it. “Do you want a bite?” the older offers, making a motion with his fork to share.

“I can grab a bite myself,” Jinyoung replies, but it’s as if Jaebeom doesn’t listen and instead cuts a piece himself with the other clean fork and immediately offers it to Jinyoung.

The younger’s eyes widen in surprise and embarrassment, he quickly looks around and to his horror, people are watching them (or maybe just Jaebeom, after all he is handsome enough to capture people’s attention). He feels his cheeks burning brighter than ever and he wants to disappear in that moment, but Jaebeom has a soft smile on his face, kind eyes that show only good intentions; and Jinyoung is captured. Without thinking, he leans forward and accepts the piece the older is offering, pulling back quickly and tasting the cake. It’s extremely sweet and not something he could eat in large portions (or even small portions), but it’s delicious. However it’s Jaebeom’s satisfaction, the happiness that shines in his smile that make it taste even sweeter.

“Good?” Jaebeom asks as Jinyoung swallows the bite of cake.

“Yes,” he replies, still looking into Jaebeom’s eyes and finding so endearing the way his eyes disappear when he smiles bright and wide.

Where did this handsome stranger come from?

“So tell me,” Jaebeom starts, taking another bite of cake, with the same fork he used, only that now he uses it to eat himself, and Jinyoung tries hard not to pay attention at how his lips wrap around the utensil that seconds before was in Jinyoung’s mouth. “What do you do on your free time?”

“I haven’t had much free time lately,” Jinyoung replies. “Mostly walking, it’s nice to do that.”

“You like taking strolls, even when it’s cold?” Jaebeom asks.

“It’s not too cold, but it’s not only for that.” He shrugs. “After being in a coma for like six months, and being in physical therapy for other two more, it’s just nice walking on my own.”

Jinyoung doesn’t know why he shares that, why his tone is dark and bitter when it’s not like it’s anyone’s but his fault he was like that. Maybe it’s that part of him that wants to sabotage everything that looks promising for him. Here he has, a handsome man clearly flirting with him, watching him as if he was the sunlight of his days for no good reason, and Jinyoung is babbling about the weird things in his life. Who would want to know as a first thing one was in a coma?

Yet, somehow, Jaebeom doesn’t even seem startled. He doesn’t even show concern or shock. Other people that have heard look sickly sympathetic and it makes Jinyoung somewhat angry, but Jaebeom only looks… understanding.

“You’re right, it must feel great walking on your own.” Jaebeom nods. “My mother woke up from a coma as well, not so long as yours, but she still has sequels and can’t walk like before, but she still says she’s grateful she can move.”

Jinyoung is surprised for such a coincidence that allows Jaebeom to truly understand what Jinyoung means, even when he’s being cynic about it.

“May I ask about the sequels such long coma left? Either mental or physical. Only if you want to talk about it.”

No. Jinyoung doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s all he ever does, explaining things to people who want to understand but can’t.

Yet he replies: “The mental sequels are too many. I don’t like sleeping, apparently I’m more depressed than before because the gap of something missing in my life is too big. My psychiatrist says I’m missing those months of my life, but it doesn’t feel right. Yet I don’t know how to explain what I actually feel.” Jaebeom’s eyes don’t look pitiful, or sad, his look understanding, as if he could relate.

“You miss something you don’t even know… must be harder than knowing what you miss.” Once again, there’s no pity in his voice and Jinyoung doesn’t understand how that’s possible.

“It’s… weird.”

“Like hurting but not knowing where, so it’s like all over the place?” Jaebeom suggests.

“Have you heard of people that have lost limbs but still feel them? They hurt or itch. I guess is more like that.” Jinyoung explains and watches Jaebeom nodding.

“I’m sorry it’s like that for you,” the older states, looking down for one second. “I hope one day that improves for you.”

“Me too,” Jinyoung says, the longing in his soul burning stronger as he stares at Jaebeom, something pulling and twisting his heart when he sees the expression of the older becoming sad, melancholic. “And as for physical,” Jinyoung speaks again, trying to distract himself from what he’s feeling and to catch Jaebeom’s attention once more. “There’s a small degree of paralysis in my left arm, but not too much. It hurts when it gets really cold.”

“Oh, that’s not too much, what a relief.” Jaebeom smiles, really looking relieved as if he cared deeply about Jinyoung. “I mean, it still sucks but for such a long coma it’s not _that_ much.”

Jinyoung smiles, knowing what he means.

“Does your mother deal with too many sequels?” Jinyoung asks, hesitant as he doesn’t know how sensitive Jaebeom is about the problem. He mentioned it first, though.

“More than you, at least. There’s still a percentage of paralysis so she can’t do her daily life as before, she can walk with a crane now. Her speech is also different, slower and clumsier. But she lives positively and is grateful to be alive, regardless of the difficulties.” Jaebeom explains with a proud smile.

“She’s a brave and strong woman,” Jinyoung comments, feeling a bit jealous of the way Jaebeom looks when speaking of his mother, the spark in his eyes and that loving smile.

He doesn’t feel the same about his own mother.

“She’s a great woman,” Jaebeom agrees easily. “Well, I’m glad you woke up from the coma with only small physical sequels.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Aren’t you happy you woke up?” Jaebeom asks, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

Jinyoung should’ve remained silent instead of making that comment. He doesn’t need to tell Jaebeom about his lack of passion for life and how he does not have anything that makes being alive worthwhile.

“I don’t… feel so enthusiast about being alive. And it’s not like it matters to anyone that I woke up.”  Jinyoung isn’t hurt about it, at this point of his life he’s used to it, yet Jaebeom looks incredibly sad when he hears him.

“I’m sure there must be someone incredibly relieved you’re alive.”

“Not that I know of,” Jinyoung shrugs, dismissive.

“That doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out there,” Jaebeom insists, his eyes intense and serious, like he truly means it. It’s a bit intimidating. “I’m glad you woke up.”

“You don’t know me,” Jinyoung refutes, not knowing why he feels so defensive.

“But I want to know you, can’t I?” He asks and Jinyoung feels disarmed, not knowing how to reply to such blunt and honest request. “I’m just glad I have the chance to get to know you, buy you a cup of coffee; so yeah, I’m glad you woke up.”

Jinyoung swallows the lump in his throat, feeling touched and uncomfortable, not knowing what to do with the man in front of him, so straightforward and daring. He sounds sincere when he states he’s glad, carrying more emotion that anyone in his family showed. He holds Jinyoung’s eyes fearlessly, making his own heart beat so much faster, so much stronger.

“You’re weird,” Jinyoung mutters, looking away and trying to calm down.

Jaebeom chuckles, lowly and softly and Jinyoung closes his eyes, trying not to pay attention at how nice that sounds.

They stay in silence for a bit, until Jinyoung has pulled himself together enough to look into Jaebeom’s eyes again.

“So, do you have a more normal life?” Jinyoung asks, trying to focus on something more innocuous.

“I guess? Or you could say just boring.” Jaebeom shrugs.

“You said you’re a photographer now. What type?” Jinyoung asks.

“I haven’t decided yet, but I think I’m more inclined to portrait photography.” Jaebeom says. “But with everything that happened last year for me, I’ve taken it easy trying to find a job or anything. I guess you can say I’ve been just waiting for a while.”

“Waiting for what?” Jinyoung feels pulled to Jaebeom, the way he looks at him and that lazy smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“The right moment… the right person?” Jaebeom shrugs. “I think I’m also missing something in my life and I’m waiting for it to come back.”

“Something you lost?” Jinyoung’s eyebrows rise in a questioning manner. “Or someone?”

It’s silly, it’s childish but Jinyoung feels jealous at the idea of Jaebeom waiting for someone. He even feels used because, why is Jaebeom being so flirty, so forward if he’s waiting for someone else? And why does Jinyoung even care?

“Hmmm,” Jaebeom mumbles, not really answering. “I guess I’m waiting for the chance.”

It makes no sense to Jinyoung, Jaebeom is a strange man and he clearly is avoiding being clear about this issue. Jinyoung can see that and he won’t probe where he won’t find an answer, instead he closes the topic.

“I hope you find whatever you are waiting for.” It’s not his intention to sound so snappy but that’s how it comes out, and he can see Jaebeom’s surprise. “Also, it’s getting late and I should go. I have early appointment with my therapist tomorrow.”

Jaebeom does check the time and nods, but he doesn’t seem willing to start moving, so it’s Jinyoung who stands up first, ready to walk away.

“Wait!” Jaebeom exclaims, standing up as well so quickly the chair almost falls back. He grabs Jinyoung’s wrist to stop him from going anywhere, and he tries not to notice how warm Jaebeom’s skin is. “May I have your number at least?”

Jinyoung is surprised Jaebeom asks for that but he doesn’t seem any harm in agreeing, so he nods and recites the number way too quickly. But Jaebeom is fast and immediately grabs his phone to save the number, yet Jinyoung doesn’t ask for Jaebeom’s number in return. He guesses that if the older wants to contact him, that’s how he’ll get it.

“Then, I’ll be leaving,” Jinyoung announces.

“Can I walk you home at least?” Jaebeom asks, his voice low and hesitant.

“I live far, I’ll take a bus,” he lies, not knowing why he wants to put immediate distance between the two.

“Oh…” Jaebeom is clearly disappointed and Jinyoung realizes just then the older hasn’t let go of his wrist, he’s actually holding it tighter. “Then… I’ll text you later.”

“Okay,” he hums. “Good night, then.” He pulls away from Jaebeom’s grip, bowing slightly and starting to walk away.

“Jinyoungie!” Jaebeom calls, surprising him for the endearing way of calling his name, but mostly for how familiar it sounds, how warming it feels.

He turns around and meets the older’s eyes, not saying a word.

“I’m happy I met you today, truly.”

Jinyoung presses his lips together, not wanting to say anything, not knowing how to reply to that. Blushing must be enough, he thinks before bowing again and walking away even faster, shutting his eyes so tight.

_It’s not butterflies, it’s not butterflies,_ he chants in his mind, refusing to acknowledge the tickling feeling in his stomach.


	5. eager

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a lot has going on. Emotionally I've been super unstable, hence no desire to even open my laptop. Moreover, I've been so busy with work and my second job. Thirdly, we moved together with my sister recently and I don't even have wifi, but I have a space where I feel comfortable and a room I'm decorating to my taste, so I'm hoping that'll help me to feel better and actually write. 
> 
> I appreciate every single one of you, pushing me to write. It does help and reminds me there's more than my own misery. So thank you.

Jinyoung doesn’t sleep, at least not much and he doesn’t rest. It’s not just that he doesn’t like sleeping much, it’s more that he feels scared of that nothingness again, even if he’s not very willing to accept that. As much as he is fascinated with death, Jinyoung isn’t very fond of that in-between life and death state.

However, that particular night isn’t just the aftereffects of being in a coma for about half a year what make him so restless. His thoughts aren’t clear but there’s a face that pops up in his mind from time to time. Dark, narrow eyes that look at him as if they knew him, a wide smile that makes those eyes practically disappear. It’s not just that he can’t seem to stop thinking of the boy he met, it’s that feeling inside his chest, the tightness in his ribcage that makes him notice every single beat of his heart. It almost feels like longing and Jinyoung can’t understand himself.

It’s a terrible night and having to get up early for his therapist appointment doesn’t help in the slightest. He is tired, and grumpy as he’s angry with himself for acting like a starstruck teenager. He knows his therapist will ask why he looks so tired and Jinyoung will have to confess he is not taking his medicine to sleep and it’ll be the same argument as always: _you need to want to get better to actually get better_.

What does it mean “getting better” anyways? Will he stop feeling the way he does? Then how will he feel? This is all he knows, the current Jinyoung is all he is and he has no clue what “being better” would make out of him. He wouldn’t recognize that Jinyoung neither would he know how to be that Jinyoung.

It’s hard to give up on what you’ve always know, especially when you didn’t even ask for help. Jinyoung was put in therapy, he’s practically forced to go and if he skips, his therapist calls his parents so he doesn’t have a way out. And even if he tries to explain he doesn’t want to get better, they’ll only assume it’s to get attention and be the drama queen everyone thinks he is.

What’s the point of trying to explain himself if no one is willing to really listen to him?

Jinyoung is in a worse mood than usual and he wishes he could stay in bed, doing nothing but breathing. He does not have the will to go outside and deal with people, or himself. But he hears the alarm and soon his mother knocking at his door, telling him to get up because breakfast is ready and if he doesn’t eat soon, he’ll be late for therapy. Jinyoung isn’t even hungry.

Yet, the young man gets out of bed, grabs his phone to turn off the alarm and when he does, he notices there’s a text message from someone he has not saved on his contact book.

Curious, feeling his heart leaping in his chest, Jinyoung launches the Kakao chat app, clutching his mobile phone as it loads with all the chatrooms and there it is, a new one with a number he does not know. Feeling nervous for no valid reason, he enters the chatroom to see who the addresser is.

**Hello Jinyoungie, it’s Im Jaebeom. I hope you made it home safe and sound. Thank you for letting me buy you coffee. I wish I could’ve seen you home to be at ease. Get tons of rest and good luck tomorrow.**

Jinyoung presses his lips together, mostly because he doesn’t want to smile. It would be stupid to smile, it’s just a text. A very polite and long text, even a bit awkward. Yet it wants to make him smile, he can feel the pull at the corner of his mouth and he fights it.

**I made it home safely.**

**I hope you also did.**

Jinyoung purposely replies, dry and in two bubbles so it doesn’t look like he cares, and he won’t explain why he did not see the message at night or why he is replying the next morning. He does save Jaebeom’s number under his full name to not give him anything special.

He goes to have breakfast before getting ready, and purposely leaves his phone behind to not test how he’ll react when Jaebeom replies, but even as he eats, his mind keeps wondering if the older man replied already. It’s quite early, he reminds himself, Jaebeom is probably sleeping.

By the time he is done eating and showering and brushing his teeth after breakfast, he is so anxious he immediately grabs the phone, before even getting dressed. His heart does that little jump in his chest again when he sees a notification under Jaebeom’s name.

**I’m so glad you made it home! And that I actually got your number correctly**

**When you didn’t reply I was scared I had texted the wrong person kkkk**

Once again, Jinyoung bites his lips because the tone is completely different in the replies, not so awkward and polite as the first, and now he understand why Jaebeom probably wrote the first message like that. He finds endearing that the older was nervous and scared he had texted the wrong person.

**You texted the right person, I just don’t check my phone often**

Jinyoung doesn’t let go of the phone, sitting on his bed with just the towel around his hips, he waits for Jaebeom’s answer like a loser.

**Ah, that explains. Regardless, I’m relieved.**

**Are you getting ready for your session?**

The younger has to admit he’s surprised Jaebeom remembers something he mentioned so casually the night before, and that he immediately assumes that’s why Jinyoung is awake early in the morning.

**Not that I want, but yes**

Forcing himself, Jinyoung puts the phone away to actually get dressed and not feel so pathetic. He’s never dressed so quickly before, so that does not help him to protect his pride in any way. And the fact he has several notifications does not help either.

**I can only imagine, and I’m sure first thing in the morning makes it worse**

**Do you have anything else in your agenda today?**

**Do you think I could steal some of your time today?**

**Maybe going for coffee again or lunch?**

**Whatever you want**

Jinyoung reads the messages, but he does not reply and as he stares at the screen of his mobile phone, he considers it. As much as he’d like to see Jaebeom again, it still feels weird. He does not understand why the older is so eager to meet nor why does he look so interested in Jinyoung. It’s flattering but also mildly disturbing and suspicious. And to be completely honest, it does scare him a bit how easily Jaebeom awakes so many emotions in him, emotions he is not used to feel. It’s undoubtedly disconcerting.

**I guess we could hang out**

He replies, and he knows he sounds nonchalant and even arrogant, but he’s embarrassed to show any interest. He honestly does not get how Jaebeom can be so forward so fast.

**Great! Then I’ll see you later. Is it okay if I pick you up after your session?**

Jaebeom clearly isn’t embarrassed to look too eager, and that makes Jinyoung feel shy and nervous, and thankfully they are just chatting because he’d be mortified if the older could see his unbecoming blushed face.

**Ok**

He puts the phone away but doesn’t pull his hand away, and before Jaebeom even replies he takes it again to add the address of his therapist and a time for Jaebeom to meet him. Only after that he refuses to check his phone again or see Jaebeom’s reply, he focuses on finishing getting ready and leaving, feeling nervous and not because therapy.

Jinyoung is still feeling somewhat erratic by the time he makes it to the office of his therapist, consciously blocking his thoughts from going to Im Jaebeom, and for that very reason ultimately ending up thinking of him. By the time he is in the office and he is called inside the room, he is more annoyed than usual.

It’s no surprise his doctor comments as soon as he sees Jinyoung: “You look in a worse disposition than usual.”

“That’s because I’m in a worse disposition,” Jinyoung replies, taking a seat and immediately looking out of the window and not the doctor.

“Do you know why?”

_And here we go, with all the questions_ , Jinyoung thinks, rolling his eyes and taking a deep breath before answering.

“I had a bad night sleep,” he minimizes what actually happened. “I’m sorry if I’m grumpier than usual.”

“Let me guess,” the doctor ventures. “You did not take your sleeping pills.”

“I’ve said this before: I slept way too much already.”

“Yet you still need to sleep, Jinyoung,” the doctor insists. “It won’t help you feel any better not taking your medication. It’ll only make it harder.”

“So?” Jinyoung challenges. “I’m used to that.”

“Then why are you so grumpy today? If you’re so used to, why do you look like you can’t wait to be out of here? You normally are more polite than this.” Jinyoung looks away because when the doctor asks that, his thoughts immediately go to Jaebeom and he hates to think it could be because he wants to see the other man.

“You know you feel better when you sleep. Why do you keep refusing to take those pills only?”

“Let me rephrase it: It makes me even more anxious when I wake up, especially with pills. I don’t know how long it’s been, what I’ve missed. It’s like waking up from the coma… again.”

The doctor looks at Jinyoung, without posing another question but holding the patient’s gaze equally challenging. At the end he looks down, just to write something. Without looking up, the doctor asks:

“Have you slept with someone since you woke up?”

Jinyoung chokes on thin air, his eyes widening in shock at the blunt question.

“Pardon?”

“I don’t mean sex, I mean just sleeping by someone’s side, waking up with someone next to you.”

“N-no,” he replies, putting all his effort in counting the amount of books in the walls of the doctor’s office.

“Hmm… it could help you, to reduce the anxiety of waking up. It would also give you some connection to the present.” The doctor looks up this time and Jinyoung is still counting books. “Maybe try sleeping with your mother, or someone you trust.”

“You know I don’t have someone like that, I don’t even have friends.”

“Well,” the doctor says, crossing one leg over the other and looking at Jinyoung with so much patient that it makes it a bit unnerving. “Then if you don’t want to take your medication, maybe you should try making friends and finding someone you trust. Maybe you should try finding a partner,” the doctor suggests, smiling to make Jinyoung know he is not pushing him and it’s just suggesting that to lighten the mood, but Jinyoung blushes furiously, his heart racing a bit and making him so nervous. He can feel his phone in his pocket, with the weight of the messages Jaebeom has sent him.

He looks away, not wanting to think of Jaebeom and connect him with such train of thoughts. It’s obvious the older has some interest in Jinyoung that isn’t purely friendship; based on the previous night and how flirty and straightforward he was, Jinyoung isn’t crazy to believe he was being hit on. However, that does not mean he is considering it.

“And talking about trust, have you talked to your sister?” The doctor asks and Jinyoung is actually relieved, and this time he gives his full attention to the doctor, just so he doesn’t get distracted thinking of someone else.

He replies and talks about everything the doctor requests of him, for the rest of the session as if he was actually committed. He does not appreciate how anxious he feels, how eager when he notices time is up and he’s done with his session. The young man feels so nervous when he is walking out of the room and he actually stops in the middle of the reception, feeling like he should run, but where to? He isn’t sure. Running away or towards Jaebeom, he truly has no clue.


	6. nervous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe I thought I had posted this chapter but it was only preview? I only posted it on Wattpad lol. Good news though, the next chapter is almost ready!

          At least five minutes go by with Jinyoung just standing in the Middle of the hall, his feet planted and his mind frozen. He is just so surprised by the intensity of his own emotions. No, he does not mean he fell in love or that he is smitten with the stranger he met, but he is nervous, he feels his stomach fluttering and his chest resonating with the beats of his heart. If he weren’t clenching his fists as tight as he is, he’s sure they would be shaking.

Jinyoung sometimes is called apathetic for his lack of commitment or engagement with given situations. He has also been called selfish for apparently only feeling his pain and ignoring everyone else’s. Honestly, it’s not exactly that Jinyoung doesn’t care (given, sometimes he truly does not give a damn) but it’s more that events don’t move him, they can’t reach him. Most of the time, howerver, it’s because whatever is happening is consumed by the void he feels. It’s like there’s a black hole in his soul and all that it consumes is emotions. He has no clue where they go, but they don’t show visibly, although they must be stored somewhere inside him.

That is why it is so weird with Im Jaebeom. Jinyoung is practically wearing his emotions and it’s so evident for anyone around, even people who don’t know him. It’s so shocking when the receptionist comes to his side, waving her hand in front of his face.

“Sir? Sir, are you all right? Do you need any assistance?” she questions, looking concerned and a bit confused, which isn’t a surprise as he hasn’t moved for a while and he’s just staring at a blank space. “Sir?”

Jinyoung shakes his head, trying to push his thoughts away and come back to the present moment.

“Yes, yes, I’m sorry,” he apologizes bowing his head and feeling his cheeks burn in embarrassment. “I just spaced out for a moment.”

“Are you sure you do not need anything, sir?”

“Positive,” he nods his head, stepping back and trying to smile so the concerned lady doesn’t fret anymore. “Good day.”

Bidding his goodbye, Jinyoung walks out of the room and goes into the elevator, more embarrassed than anything so for a second he forgets he is supposed to meet with Jaebeom outside. And he is distracted when he walks out of the building, not noticing the man waving in front of him until he hears his name.

“Jinyoungie!” He turns his head, just to see Im Jaebeom standing there, waving above his head, smiling so widely his eyes become two fine lines under his eyebrows as he approaches the younger.

 Jinyoung doesn’t move, just watching the happy man approaching, dressed in tight black jeans with a very oversized sweater under a denim jacket, forehead hidden under a bucket hat.

“Hyung,” escapes his lips, so easily as if he’s called the other like that for a long time, so familiar it shocks him. But then he feels his stomach twisting in a thousand knots when he sees Jaebeom up close and how the older’s expression warms up, smiling so happily at the way Jinyoung has called him; it is as if he made him the happiest man alive.

“Hi,” he greets with that big stupid smile that is making Jinyoung weak at the knees. How can someone look so blindly happy? “How was your session?” he asks next, shoving the hands inside the pockets of his denim jacket.

“Meh,” he replies shrugging. “Same old, I guess.” He sees Jaebeom’s expression becoming more serious, morphing into concern and he doesn’t like that look, the older looks better when he’s glowing with happiness.

“I hope the sessions improve,” Jaebeom comments. “Oh, and by the way, I brought you something.”

From each pocket he takes a cans of hot chocolate, and hands one in his direction. Surprised, Jinyoung goes to accept the can, but as distracted as he is, he does not pay attention and ends up wrapping his hand partly around Jaebeom’s.

Surprised, he immediately removes his hand, his eyes widening and his mouth immediately offering an apology, but just as quickly as he moves, Jaebeom drops the can he’s holding and his hand grabs Jinyoung’s, stopping him from pulling away. He looks between their hands and Jaebeom, shocked that the older automatically grabbed his hand. And it seems Jaebeom moves as automatically because he has surprised himself for what he’s done, and while blushing furiously, he also pulls away, fidgeting nervously and squatting to pick the can he dropped.

It’s awkward, it’s messy and both are blushing with something so innocent that it is pathetic and Jinyoung is so embarrassed.

“I’m sorry I dropped it,” Jaebeom apologizes, offering the other can he managed to keep in his right hand.

“I’m sorry for startling you,” Jinyoung apologizes as well, and watches Jaebeom shaking his head in dismiss and smiling.

“It wasn’t that,” Jaebeom says as Jinyoung grabs the offered can, carefully to not grace the older’s fingers this time. “It just… felt different.”

“Different?” he echoes, confused with the words of the other man, especially the longing that is painted on his expression.

“Good different,” Jaebeom shrugs, using the sleeve of his gigantic sweater to clean around the can before opening it to take a sip. Jinyoung keeps the warm can he was given in his hand, using it more like a hot pack.

“Has anyone told you that you aren’t very eloquent? It’s a bit hard to understand what you mean.”

Jaebeom smiles with lips tight and although there’s that, his eyes look sad for some reason.

“I guess you need context to understand.” Jinyoung waits, expecting Jaebeom to provide that aforementioned context.

“Which you aren’t giving,” he states, disappointed.

“I don’t want to scare you away.” The younger raises his eyebrows, stepping back.

“Do you know how weird that sounds? Saying that causes exactly the effect you don’t want. Very counterproductive.”

Jaebeom laughs, amused instead of worried, which is what he expected, but it’s as if he could tell Jinyoung is just messing with him, which is not usual. People normally can’t tell when he’s being serious or just joking. He has that talent, at least.

“I’m just trying to keep some pride,” Jaebeom says between chuckles. “If I say how different it feels when you know you’re holding the hand of your true soul mate when we barely know each other, I’m sure you’ll be a bit crept out.”

For a second Jinyoung thinks Jaebeom is saying the truth and his heart leaps, he almost drops the can, but then he realizes Jaebeom is actually teasing him. It shocks him how disappointed he feels, so much he even feels upset to the point of wanting revenge.

“Oh, so you’re saying I’m your true soulmate?” he purrs, whispering as he takes a step closer to Jaebeom, enjoying how the other loses the teasing smile, getting more alert, eyes widening when Jinyoung is in his personal space. “I didn’t imagine I had found myself such a romantic one.”

Because it gives him so much satisfaction seeing how Jaebeom comes undone, incapable of saying anything. He even uses one hand to place it on Jaebeom’s chest, and he feels cheer delight when Jaebeom drops his can of hot chocolate again, although as it’s open now, it splatters the dark beverage all over their shoes.

“Ew!” Jinyoung explains, stepping back and shaking his foot like a cat that touched water.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jaebeom says, debating whether to help Jinyoung or pick the can. “You shouldn’t do that!”

“I didn’t do anything! You dropped the can!” Jinyoung defends himself, watching Jaebeom carefully grab the can and then running to drop it in the closer recycling bin, coming back running as he takes a handkerchief from his pocket and, like an idiot, kneeling to help clean the younger.

“You shouldn’t get so close to me,” Jaebeom whispers, and Jinyoung doesn’t like he’s not looking at him and just cleaning his stupid shoes, so he steps back. He doesn’t need to do that.

“Why not? I thought I was your soulmate,” Jinyoung teases, watching the older get back to his feet with a flushed face and nervous eyes.

“Because you’re just teasing me,” Jaebeom replies, taking a step closer now, making Jinyoung nervous with the seriousness in his narrow eyes. “And you’ll give me a heart attack, Jinyoungie.” He lifts his hand, ready to reach out and touch the younger, but stops himself and Jinyoung is left craving. “Now, why don’t we go to this place and maybe clean ourselves from the chocolate mess?”

“Where are we going?” he asks, moving to stand next to Jaebeom instead so they can start walking.

“Surprise,” Jaebeom replies.

“A cat café,” the younger guesses, flatly and he has a hard time controlling his laughter when he sees Jaebeom flabbergasted expression.

“How did you know?!” But Jinyoung loses the battle and burst out laughing.

“Just last night you said you wanted to take me to one to see me playing with kittens,” Jinyoung reminds him.

“Dammit,” Jaebeom mumbles to himself and Jinyoung is incredibly amused.

“It’s fine, I  like cats although I’ve been to a cat café only once,” Jinyoung shares, smiling brilliantly, feeling in such a good mood now, even if he’s tired, even if he had a bad night sleep, he feels a lot brighter now, teasing Jaebeom as they walk to the café. “My sister says I’m like a cat.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, she says I think I’m superior to everyone and I ignore the world.” He shrugs, not feeling hurt or anything, it’s not new to him to hear such opinions about him.

“That’s mean and not accurate.” Jinyoung is going to say how Jaebeom doesn’t know him, but before he gets a word out, the older continues. “Cats _are_ superior, for starters.” Jinyoung laughs at that, he can’t help it. “But more than that, I think they are chill and just have their boundaries, they are in control of what they want and when they want it. They are also independent and clever, strategic and plotting, and at times incredibly dumb and clumsy and that makes them so precious.”

Jinyoung feels his chest warm at the endearing tone of Jaebeom and how clearly he loves cats.

“You shouldn’t say you’re like a cat,” Jaebeom adds.

“Why is that?” he asks, thinking it’s probably because he wants to say Jinyoung is not how his sister says.

“Because then I’m going to like you even more.”

It’s so unexpected Jinyoung doesn’t know how to react; he even stumbles on his feet, almost tripping so Jaebeom has to rush to grab his arm to help him regain his balance. By the time he is standing on his own again, he is still blushing.

“Are you okay?” Jaebeom asks, concerned.

“You’re too straightforward!” the younger complains.

“Would you prefer I lie?” Jaebeom refutes, aghast.

“No, but you can’t just go saying you like someone you just met, that’s crazy.”

“Why not?” Jaebeom asks again. “Have you not heard of love at first sight?”

Jinyoung feels his face burning, his heart hammering in his chest and he’s getting too nervous to say something coherent.

“Stop it, that’s too cheesy even my hands and feet are curling!” he protests, showing his fingers are curled in repulsion.

“Why?” the older insists like a child. “Don’t you believe in love at first sight? Fate?”

“No,” he deadpans. “You can’t love someone you don’t know.”

“But what if we met before? Once upon in a dream?”

Jinyoung is about to lose it, in amusement and exasperation at the same time, and something else, something bitter as if he didn’t like this was all a joke for Jaebeom.

“This is not Disney, so stop it or I’m going to walk back home right now and we won’t go to any cat café. No kitties for you!.”

“No, no, no! Don’t do that,” Jaebeom panics, immediately grabbing Jinyoung’s wrist when he attempts to go back but he doesn’t even try to fight Jaebeom. “I’ll stop, I’ll only _think_ of these cheesy things.”

Jinyoung bites his lips to not smile when he turns around, seeing that sheepish grin on Jaebeom’s face, giving him that fluttering feeling in his guts.

“You better,” he warns, watching how that grin becomes a full, dashing smile, yet not missing how Jaebeom’s hands slides from his wrist until it takes his hand.

“Promise,” he says, still smiling. “Let’s go now. It’s not that far from here.”

And they start walking.

And Jaebeom doesn’t let go of Jinyoung’s hand.

And Jinyoung allows it… he bloody allows it.

He’s gone crazy.


	7. comfortable

As they walk, Jaebeom receives a call. At first he ignores it, although Jinyoung doesn’t mind but he understands the older wants to be polite. However, whoever is calling him is clearly in dire need to communicate because they insist. It’s at the fourth call that Jaebeom looks at Jinyoung with an apologetic expression as he mumbles, “I’m sorry, I have to pick this up.”

Jinyoung gestures to go ahead and continues walking, trying not to pay attention, and honestly, it isn’t hard. The streets are loud, with those store assistants inviting everyone in to see their amazing deals. Yet, his ears perk up when he hears his name.

“I’m with Jinyoung right now, I can’t just go because you’re bored, Jackson,” Jaebeom says, looking mildly irritated.

“ _YOUR JINYOUNG?!”_ screams someone on the other end of the line, so loud Jaebeom has to pull the gadget away and Jinyoung can hear it over all the noise of the streets. “ _You promised us a double date why didn’t you tell us?_ ”

Jaebeom gives a side look at Jinyoung, face all red in embarrassment and his expression is mortified when he realizes that yes, Jinyoung totally heard that.

 _I’m sorry_ , he mouths, so embarrassed even his ears are red.

“Jackson!” the older hushes, stern and demanding. “I never promised you such a thing, you demanded it and I never agreed.”

Jinyoung is infinitely curious. He assumes this Jackson must be a friend of Jaebeom, a friend that clearly knows about him and for a while, which is odd considering they met the night before. Given, Jaebeom seems very into Jinyoung and acts straightforward, but isn’t too soon to tell his friends about the boy he met at the Han River?

Jinyoung feels this warmth creeping from his neck to his cheeks, and he doesn’t even know why.

“ _I keep demanding to know him!”_ Jackson is, clearly, not a quiet person and doesn’t understand he’s being too loud. Jaebeom is desperately trying to lower the volume of his gadget, but Jinyoung is now paying attention. “ _Just one double date. I promise it’ll be fun and we’ll help you! Totally innocent and fun and…_ ”

Jinyoung can’t hear anything else, Jaebeom has lowered the volume so much he can’t pick up anything else from the conversation, and based on how Jaebeom doesn’t say anything, Jackson had a lot to say.

“No, Jackson. It won’t happen.”

“Why not?” Jinyoung finds himself asking, maybe echoing what Jackson says on the other end because Jaebeom looks utterly confused. “Your friend?” he asks, almost whispering and watches how Jaebeom nods his head, still a bit flabbergasted. “Sure, why not?”

“No, no, no, no,” Jaebeom mutters, shaking his head vehemently.

“Why? I thought you said you liked me, shouldn’t I meet your friends, then?” Jinyoung arches his eyebrows, questioning and challenging.

Honestly, he doesn’t understand why he pushes Jaebeom like that, why teasing him like this comes to him so naturally as if they’ve known each other for a while already. Jinyoung doesn’t have friends, or hasn’t had for quite a while.

Everything is so odd about Jaebeom, the way he makes him feel, how he acts and just how, weirdly, everything seems all right.

“If you hold my hand like this I think the next step is meeting your friends, don’t you think?” And to illustrate Jinyoung raises their hands that in fact Jaebeom hasn’t released since he took it like three blocks away.

The younger did not believe Jaebeom could blush more, but he is surprised to see the older so red even his neck is coloured, eyes wide open and mouth slightly hanging open.

“ _HYUNG_!” Jackson screams from the other side, snapping Jaebeom from his stupor and helping him focus on something else. Jinyoung grins deviously, enjoying too much the way Jaebeom is so transparent.

“Aish, Jackson! Not now, okay? Let me just…” Jaebeom curses under his breath, frustrated and Jinyoung gives him a soft squeeze to the other’s hand, a bit calming, or maybe just a bit encouraging. “Maybe another day. Not now.” He waits, breathing deeply as Jackson replies. “Fine, I promise. If he agrees I—”

“I agree,” Jinyoung whispers and watches Jaebeom close his eyes tight, looking a bit overwhelmed.

“You too. Yes, yes, I’ll call you later. You’re so nagging.” Jackson clearly has a lot more to say. “Fine, I love you, too. You’re the worst.”

Jaebeom hangs up and he looks exhausted as he shoves the phone in his pocket, taking a side glance at Jinyoung and looking a bit reproachful.

“So, when am I meeting your friend?” Jinyoung asks, grinning sheepishly and watches Jaebeom sigh, accepting defeat.

“Not yet, Jackson will monopolize you and I can’t allow that yet, I want to spend time with only you first.”

Jinyoung would be lying if he said he didn’t feel his heart leaping when Jaebeom looks at him that way, as if the rest of the world disappeared around them and it was only the two of them.

“You’re selfish. There’s plenty of Jinyoung for everyone,” he teases, giving himself the chills with such a greasy reply, but it’s all worth it when the older laughs out loud, head tilting back and whole body shaking.

“Ah, Jinyoungie, you’ll be the death of me,” he mumbles, still very amused and not thinking much, because he cups Jinyoung’s cheek ever so lightly, impulsively, and he freezes, too surprised with the gentle touch and the endearing look in Jaebeom’s eyes.

No, Jinyoung thinks. You’ll be the death of me.

 

* * *

 

Finally, they make it to the café after awkwardly pulling away when they realize how close they were. They do not talk much on the way to the café after that call and there’s a clear tension that becomes very uncomfortable by the time they make it to the café. Thankfully, once there, there’s a purpose and they have an excuse for talking: deciding what to order. It does not take too long and Jinyoung is surprised because Jaebeom basically orders sugar with some flavour while Jinyoung enjoys his cup of brewed black coffee and a simple brownie for a perfect combination. On the other hand, Jaebeom orders a huge honey bread with ice cream and chocolate chips and whipping cream. Jinyoung feels he’ll get a diabetic coma from just looking at it. To make it worse, the older includes a Strawberry smoothie and Jinyoung is worried for the older’s health.

“You know, consuming all that amount of sugar in one sitting is a form of suicide,” Jinyoung comments when they pick a table, the number of their order sitting between them, blinking with a red light.

Jaebeom laughs, amused. “I might not be that different from you then. You like heights, I like sugars. Deadly, both of them.”

Jinyoung can’t help his smile and he has to accept how nice it is to joke about death or his suicide tendencies as if it was normal. For him that is what it is, the most normal thing. Wanting to die is his constant companion, just like breathing. Making jokes about it or just stating his opinion about it doesn’t come as weird for him. However he is aware the rest of the world doesn’t think the same way, jokes about killing oneself are not well received when they are in settings that are dangerous, like sitting at the riel of a bridge over the Han River.

And here is Jaebeom, not looking at him as if he thought Jinyoung should be locked up somewhere safe. It’s almost as if the older understood him, as if he accepted the way Jinyoung thinks and feels. It’s liberating and comfortable.

“You’re just going for a slower death, masochist,” Jinyoung accuses and Jaebeom laughs.

“I accept that, but it’ll be a sweet death.” The older bites his lips, too amused with his lame joke, but Jinyoung doesn’t even flinch and keeps that dead serious expression.

“That’s the lamest joke ever,” he accuses but Jaebeom is grinning, finding it amusing despite his opinion.

“I’m not wrong, though,” Jaebeom points out.

“Doesn’t make it funny,” Jinyoung insists, keeping his poker face but Jaebeom is smiling all cutely, eyes two fine lines and such joy on his handsome features. Such look would make anyone weak.

“Fine, it’s lame,” Jaebeom pouts and Jinyoung feels that tug in his guts, not thinking he’d appreciate a grownup being cute like that. “But I can’t promise I won’t make lame jokes in the future. I’ve been told I have the humour of a middle age father.”

Jinyoung snorts, not expecting that and losing the controlled expression that he had. Obviously, Jaebeom beams with delight for making him laugh, smile wide and eyes disappearing. Thankfully, the older does not get the chance to rejoice in the occasion because their number starts buzzing so he takes it, mumbling a quick “I’ll be right back” before going to the counter. Jinyoung uses that chance to breathe in and out a few times, trying to calm down.

When he feels a bit more stable, he looks at Jaebeom smiling at the barista as he grabs the tray with their order. Jinyoung also notices how other people turn to look at Jaebeom, whispering and giggling, some even blushing and the younger can’t blame them. Even the barista blushes when Jaebeom thanks him. The older is handsome, tall and with those broad shoulders that make him look so manly. He walks with confidence and that brilliant smile when he makes eye contact with Jinyoung. From the corner of his eye he notices a girl taking a picture and he gets this overprotective feeling in his guts, wanting to go to her and demand her to delete that picture but he does not do such a thing because, one: it’s childish and irrational, and two: he has no right to feel that protective.

Consciously, he decides to ignore the rest and just watch Jaebeom walking carefully with the tray with all their food. Once again, he is struck with this awe. Jaebeom is probably a very popular guy, he’s handsome and charismatic, even if he’s quite lame sometimes. With how people react around him in a regular café Jinyoung can assume he does not lack romantic propositions, that he must have dozens of people lining up to confess to him. And yet, here he is, clinging to Jinyoung, tackling him head on and just exposing so openly what he feels.

Why? What did he even see in Jinyoung that night? Why did he approach and even asked him out? The younger knows he is fairly handsome too, but normally that can’t overweight his personality and issues. He has dated, but no one has been able to put up with him. The moment they find out what is truly in his mind, how empty he is, they forget about looks and go to find something better.

Someone sane.

Jinyoung has been so open to Jaebeom already, telling him about the coma, his suicide tendencies and even other dark thoughts and Jaebeom is still here, smiling, holding his hands, feeding him sweets and being even more forward.

How can Jinyoung understand?

Maybe Jaebeom is as messed up as he is.

“You’re looking at me as if I were a puzzle. What did I do?” Jaebeom asks, sitting again and taking from the tray what Jinyoung ordered.

“You’re handsome,” Jinyoung mutters and watches the older drop his cutlery before he can even take a piece of the honey bread. “Based on how people look at you, I dare to say you’re popular. I’m just wondering what you’re doing with me, I’m considered a looser on good days and a total weirdo the rest.”

Jaebeom grabs his cutlery and calmly, cuts through the bread as he organizes his thoughts. “I saw you looking so… ethereal on the bridge, I wasn’t even sure if you were real and I had to make sure,” the older explains, his eyes on the bread, not Jinyoung. “I was happy you were real and I just felt I had to get to know you. I can’t explain right now why I felt that way, but you should know I don’t think you’re a weirdo or a loser, I’m not that judgmental.” Jaebeom smiles and meets his eyes this time, looking proud of himself. “I’ve learned my lesson. Plus, I understand your point of view, I don’t share it but I understand where you’re coming from and respect it.”

Jinyoung is taken aback because out of all the answers he imagined, he could’ve never predicted that: understanding and validation, not trying to change his mind but respecting what he believes, how he feels. He’s always felt everyone wants to change his mind, telling him in every possible way that he’s wrong, he needs to change, to get fixed. It’s his first time he feels accepted, even the worst part of him.

And in that moment he realizes he’s met someone truly special, someone he needed to meet.


	8. flirting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enojy

“So,” Jinyoung begins, cutting through the brownie with the fork, not meeting Jaebeom’s eyes because his heart is hammering after such realization, and he needs time to pull himself together“You told your friends about me already.”

The younger lifts his eyes to see Jaebeom’s reaction, and he does not miss how the older blushes and seems to get very nervous, but it’s a different kind. So far Jinyoung has accomplished to startle the other young man and make him hyper aware, but now Jaebeom looks anxious, cornered instead of just embarrassed.

“I have… but Jackson… he’s too dramatic and… he’s a childhood friend and he’s always wanted me to… find someone… and...” Jinyoung furrows his brow as he watches Jaebeom become increasingly more nervous, mumbling and fidgeting in his seat, avoiding eye contact.

“It’s okay, if it makes you so uncomfortable you don’t have to explain,” Jinyoung cuts Jaebeom in. As much as he’s enjoyed teasing him till now, he does not like seeing the other having a hard time. “As long as you told them nice things about me,” he adds, with a smile to lighten the mood.

“It’s just that… it’s hard to explain.” Jaebeom looks troubled, and the younger really doesn’t enjoy that look. “I told them I met a handsome guy and I got so lucky because he agreed to go out with me.” It is a bit forced, but the smile comes to the older’s lips as he leans a bit closer.

“I wouldn’t say exactly ‘go out,’ I just accepted because you offered coffee,” Jinyoung answers, looking away and hoping he’s not blushing.

Jaebeom’s chuckles don’t make it easier.

“I know, I know, I’m trying to seduce you with caffeine.”

 _And it’s working,_ Jinyoung thinks, embarrassed to realize how easily he’s falling for the older.

“But the moment I told Jackson I had met someone, he was planning my wedding. That’s what I mean he’s a bit too dramatic. Plus, he’ll be all over you because he can’t believe someone caught my eye and he probably thinks of you like an unearthly creature.” Jaebeom continues, and although embarrassing, Jinyoung’s interests pikes at the last part.

“I thought you were the type to easily fall in love and have relationships,” he points out, given how easily Jaebeom manifested his interest. It didn’t occur to him it could be the other way around.

“Oh no, not at all,” the older explains, shaking his head. “I’ve dated a couple of times, but not for too long.”

“It’s hard to believe when you are so forward with me, joking about love at first sight and everything.”

“What can I say, you’re different,” Jaebeom grins but Jinyoung keeps a straight face, an almost dead expression.

“I’m this close to walk out of this café without even seeing the cats. You’re too cheesy.”

“But it’s true!” Jaebeom laughs, for which is hard to take him seriously. “Or at least you make me feel differently. I can tell for sure I’ve never felt like this before.”

“Gross.” Jinyoung keeps the straight face, trying hard not to believe any of Jaebeom’s words.

“It’s your fault, you’re just too pretty,” the older insists, leaning forward, cupping his face in his hands and watching Jinyoung with such a sappy smile.

“Gross,” he repeats, feeling his cheeks burning but deciding to end the topic by just shoving the piece of brownie he had cut inside Jaebeom’s mouth, surprising him and successfully distracting him.

Jaebeom laughs and thankfully decides to drop the topic, focusing on his humongous honey bread instead. They stay in silence for a bit, just focusing on the food. Jinyoung asks if Jaebeom has come to this particular cat café before, to which he replies only once and that he liked it because the cats are in a separate room for comfort of the clients and to not risk the cats to consume any of the human food. The conversation stays around that until they finish what they ordered, so they can actually go and play with the cats. Jinyoung smiles when he sees how Jaebeom’s eyes sparkle with excitement, and honestly that’s more interesting for him than the felines. He can’t help his own chuckles when he can hear that little squeal that escapes the older when they walk inside the room where the cats are.

Jinyoung is still affected with all the cute felines, sleeping or playing around and he easily follows Jaebeom to sit on the floor, grabbing one of the toys to get one of the cats’ attention. It’s one of those extremely fluffy cats that look so fat because of all the fur, with blue eyes and light coloured fur, probably a ragdoll. The cat starts pawing at the bouncing toy, becoming more engaged with the game and Jaebeom’s smile becomes wider and wider.

“Do you have cats?” Jinyoung asks, content with just watching Jaebeom play with the cat, but apparently another feline decides his lap looks like a great place to nap and comes to curl between them. It’s a black cat white paws like socks, incredibly cute and sleepy.

“No, Father is allergic,” Jaebeom explains.

“That sucks,” Jinyoung mutters, not knowing what else to add.

“I guess, but there’s nothing I can—” the older doesn’t finish the sentence, apparently too surprised to find Jinyoung with a sleeping cat between his legs, softly stroking the cat’s fur as the feline purr in satisfaction. “It’s cuter than I expected. Do you mind if a take a picture?”

Jinyoung assumes it’s a picture of the cat sleeping in his legs, but when Jaebeom grabs his phone and snaps the picture, he realizes the shot included him. He feels embarrassed but Jaebeom doesn’t notice, staring at the picture he took with such a warm smile.

“Why do you keep staring at the picture?” he asks, curious himself. What if he looks hideous?

“You’re more photogenic than I thought,” Jaebeom mumbles. “I particularly like that you didn’t think that you were in the frame.”

“I thought you were going to take a picture of just the cat!” Jinyoung defends himself. “I wasn’t prepared.”

“I like unexpected pictures, the have a very charming vibe to them,” Jaebeom explains. “But okay, now let me take one with you prepared so we can compare. You know, for science.”

For a second Jinyoung thinks of refusing but instead he just sighs and this time he looks into the phone’s camera, not smiling but knowing Jaebeom’s taking a picture of him. The older lowers the gadget but continues staring at the screen.

“Are you not showing it to me? I’m the model after all,” Jinyoung pouts, playing with the ears of the cat. The one that Jaebeom was playing with decides to join them, realizing there’s more attention and affection with the other young man. Jinyoung ends up with two cats snuggling together on his lap.

“Here,” Jaebeom replies, sliding closer to Jinyoung to show him not two but like twenty pictures he didn’t think the older had taken.

He’s surprised and believes it’s such a waste, they all are practically the same and he doesn’t think he looks great or anything. The bags under his eyes for the lack of sleep and all the exhaustion he carries with him are evident. It also shows how he’s not being able to recover the weight he lost during the coma, the skin still hugs tight the bones of his face, giving him sharp features that do not look healthy at all.

How can Jaebeom say he looks beautiful when he actually looks sick?

“I look like a zombie that was just turned,” Jinyoung points. “The cat looks adorable, though,” he points out to just not sound so pessimistic.

“I accept you look tired but you have no idea how special it is that you’re there, in this picture,” Jaebeom explains, swiping between the pictures with no visible difference.

“It’s no magic, you just aim and snap the picture. I’m sure even the cat could do it,” Jinyoung shrugs, not understanding why Jaebeom is so fascinated with the bad pictures.

“I guess you can’t see what I do,” Jaebeom whispers, before turning his head and looking at Jinyoung, and just in that moment he realizes how close they are, a few centimeters apart after leaning closer to see the picture.

Jinyoung’s breath gets caught in his throat, mostly surprise because they are so close. From this distance he learns that Jaebeom’s eyes, although narrow, they are so intense and they are a warm dark brown, although at first he thought the older’s eyes were black. Jaebeom’s skin is pale and smooth, with the exception of certain tiny scars, the sub and more small moles in other places, like between his eyebrows that Jinyoung had not noticed before. The twin moles under his eyebrow are the most noticeable ones and they are even cuter up close.

Overall, Jaebeom is even more handsome up close and Jinyoung is surprised this man is courting him when he looks half dead. Actually, he gets shy and looks away, putting distance between them because he doesn’t want Jinyoung to see his eye bags or how dull his skin is. Self-conscious, the younger focuses on the cats on his lap instead.

“Hey,” he whispers, sounding too close and Jinyoung is too nervous to look up. “Are you avoiding me?”

“You’re too close,” Jinyoung mutters, playing with the ears of the fluffy cat, and the feline stirs and climbs closer to Jinyoung, looking for more affection.

“Does that make you nervous, Jinyoungie?”

Why does Jaebeom sound even closer? His heart is going crazy, his hands are even shaking a bit. It makes no sense!

“No, you’re just invading my personal space,” Jinyoung tries to save it, but he can only hear Jaebeom’s chuckles next to him.

“You look adorable when you blush,” Jaebeom speaks, in a lower tone which is nothing but annoying, the older shouldn’t be allowed to act like that or sound so captivating. “I guess the caffeine seduction is working.”

Jinyoung snorts, just because he did not expect it. The cats get startled and leave his lap, and Jaebeom laughs at that.

“You made me scare the cats!” he complains, glaring at Jaebeom as angrily as he can, but the older is grinning so widely and he surprises the younger when he just lays down and rests his head on the now empty lap. Jinyoung is shocked and he doesn’t move, just staring at the young man that slowly closes his eyes, too comfortable already.

“Ya!” Jinyoung wants to sound angry, but it barely comes out like a whisper, too out of breath as if had ran five floors up. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“It’s comfortable,” Jaebeom answers, looking up and meeting his eyes, having a warm smile that makes the younger almost forget they shouldn’t even be doing this. They are there to play with the cats, not with one another.

“People are staring at us,” Jinyoung points out, taking side glances around, and indeed people are watching them, and not with kind eyes.

“Does it bother you?” the other man asks, eyes intent and serious expression.

Jinyoung blinks. No, he doesn’t care. He rarely cares about anything and especially people he doesn’t know, but he is embarrassed nonetheless. Jaebeom is acting like a cozy boyfriend while they sit on the floor of a cat café. That’s a bit too much even for him.

“I don’t care what they think, but I think you’re being a bit too close.” He replies, honestly, yet it does not seem like the older will move anytime soon. “And my legs are cramping”

Jaebeom laughs but understands and sits straight, although his bucket hat falls and stays on Jinyoung’s lap. “I guess it’s too soon for that,” he mumbles, more to himself than anything.

Jinyoung picks the hat and for a second thinks of trying it himself, but instead puts it back on Jaebeom’s head, carefully. The older meets his eyes, a question in his eyes that he does not need to say out loud.

“Too soon,” he states, although he cannot say he hated having Jaebeom on his lap. It felt comfortable, familiar and warm but definitely, it was too soon to behave like that.

Jaebeom nods, smiles a bit sadly but rises to his feet, in search of another cat, and for some reason Jinyoung has this feeling in his chest: guilt for making Jaebeom disappointed. Shaking his head, he shoves that feeling to the dark corners of his mind and just decides to focus on the cats for now.

Just the cats.


	9. turbulence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I have dead times at work and I use them to write :3 I hope you like it.

Playing with cats and keeping the conversation about that, the rest of the date goes by fairly quickly. For the sake of his own emotions Jinyoung decides to focus on the cats only, ignoring the way Jaebeom makes him feel with just little things. He’s hyper aware and that is exhausting, especially for him who rarely experiences anything other than apathy and disillusionment. It is taxing to be feeling so many things, fluttering emotions that unsettle him.

Jinyoung needs a break; he’s not used to this.

Jaebeom probably notices he’s shut down for now and keeps the conversation simple, mostly about cats and random facts he knows about felines and taking so many pictures.  It’s actually Jaebeom who needs to end the date not much later, and even if Jinyoung doesn’t ask, the older tells why him.

“Eomma has physiotherapy and I’m taking her today.”

Jinyoung nods, wondering how bad was Jaebeom’s mother accident to have been left with sequels that still need physiotherapy. Surely worse than his own accident, or maybe she just had worse luck. Regardless, the younger feels sorry for her and hopes she can overcome all the future obstacles.

“Sure, good luck with that.” Jinyoung smiles, feeling a bit awkward and not sure how to say goodbye as they stand outside the cat café.

“I can still take you home,” Jaebeom offers but Jinyoung is shaking his head without having to even consider it.

“Thanks but I prefer going home alone, not that I think you’re a psycho or anything, but who knows?” Jaebeom laughs out loud at that. “I rather keep my home secret in case you’re a psycho and you’re planning to murder me after fattening me with all these coffee dates.”

“That’s the last thing I’d do,” Jaebeom answers. “It’s much easier to hide a skinny body.”

Jinyoung honestly did not expect that comment at the end, it takes him by surprise so much that he snorts in a very embarrassing way, laughing out loud and clearly making Jaebeom proud of his nonsensical remarks.

“Can’t argue with that,” Jinyoung smiles. “But honestly, I just prefer being alone now. I don’t think I’ll go home just yet.”

No need to mention how he feels even more suffocated when he’s at home, how the darkness inside him creeps within him to make him wish even more everything was over once and for all. He doesn’t like seeing the guilt in his sister’s face, or the tired expression on his parents’ faces. He hates knowing it’s not because they understand him but exactly because they can’t and they don’t know what to do about him.

“Oh,” Jaebeom hums. “Then I guess I’ll see you soon? The weather is getting nicer so we could go somewhere fun.”

“Are you thinking of a cliché amusement park date?” Jinyoung laughs.

“First, let me point out how I enjoy you don’t refuse they are dates,” Jaebeom states, looking clearly pleased and making Jinyoung blush, embarrassed. “Second, I might consider that option. You in cute animal headband like in dramas? I’d love to see that.”

“I refuse now, before it even comes as a proposition. No.” Jinyoung states coldly, not wanting to be a cliché from drama, ever.

“Ah, it would be fun. And think of all those super high places where we could be? I can’t believe someone who sits on bridges rails doesn’t want to ride rollercoasters,” Jaebeom is clearly challenging him, and Jinyoung is this close to fall for it.

“As appealing as that is, I prefer calm encounters with heights to appreciate the view and think, not mindless screaming and crowds. Thank you very much.”

“I can understand that, I still think you’d look impossibly charming with those animal ears headbands. Maybe it’s better for my heart if we don’t go,” Jaebeom smiles.

Jinyoung smiles, not wanting to add anything else to the conversation. And as they remain in silence, it starts getting awkward and the younger can’t keep the eye contact. He distracts himself observing other things on the streets: the billboards with publicity everywhere, the blue buses passing by, the pedestrians, anything but the man in front of him.

“I’ll… get going then. I’ll text you later?” It sounds more like a question, so Jinyoung nods, approving of Jaebeom’s intention somehow.

The awkwardness only intensifies and Jinyoung doesn’t know what to do, so he bows his head in goodbye and walks way, before he does or says anything stupid. He walks, walks, walks for some good fifteen minutes without thinking, just telling himself to keep going. It’s when he bumps into someone that he realizes he’s been moving almost unconsciously.

He stops, looking around frantically to figure out where he is. He hasn’t gone too far and he still knows the area, but it is still alarming he walked so much without paying attention. It is truly scary how much Jaebeom shakes him, the amount of emotions and he just can’t get used to it. The younger has to take a few minutes to breathe in and out to calm himself down. He apparently walked faster than his lung capacity allowed and now he’s exhausted. His physical condition after the accident is deplorable, and it wasn’t good to begin with, but now just walking a bit faster leaves him out of breath.

He finds where to sit, some steps in an alleyway.  His mind is turbulent, there are several voices trying to put thoughts in his head, working to make sense to everything he feels. He can point out many emotions, even if he has no idea why he feels them: longing, excitement, nervousness, embarrassment, regret, guilt and joy. Jinyoung cannot fathom why on Earth Im Jaebeom would awake all these emotions in him.

Unsettling.

Jaebeom is too unsettling for Jinyoung, and he does not like how he feels once they part way. And as he thinks about it, he hates it. He hates how comfortable and warm he feels with the older man, how familiar he feels and how honest he becomes, sharing things he wouldn’t tell other people. He hates so deeply so he feels excited and happy, forgetting the darkness lurking in his head and just living the moment.

How can a complete stranger make Jinyoung feel like that?

And worse! When they part ways Jinyoung feels confused and disoriented, not having that warmth around anymore and feeling the cold of his own thoughts. He honestly just hates how happy Jaebeom makes him feel, because there’s no explanation, because it’s crazy, because it’s stupid.

The worst part of being well, of feeling happy,--even if it is momentarily-- is going back to your darkness. It’s more overwhelming, scarier and colder. As Jinyoung sits on the steps he feels the desolation of his soul come and wrap around him so tightly, reminding him where he belongs, who he is and what he is made of.

His chest hurts, aching for the man who pushed that away, who let him breathe and enjoy a moment of life for a morning, and at the same time he resents Jaebeom for making him feel like that.

Who is Jaebeom to make Jinyoung feel like he needs him?

The young man closes his eyes and buries his head between his knees, breathing in and out, coping with the negativity, the darkness and the vast emptiness that is coming for him again. It’s not like what it is happening is new to him, this is how he has lived all his life, it is just hard to have it back after a moment in the light. It’s just the return what is hard, not living with it.

He continues breathing, time passes by and the darkness settles around and within him. His body is heavy again, his mind is settled and his mood is bitter. He is once again the Jinyoung he knows and when he looks up everything looks dull, people are just a blur and the sounds are muffled. It’s as if he was underwater but he can still breathe.

The young man stands up and starts walking, not thinking of anything but knowing exactly where he is going, where he needs to be. His feet guide him without having to look for anything, and he is practically deaf to the cacophony around him, so much that he does not hear the delivery man honking on his scooter for Jinyoung to move aside. Someone actually pulls him to the side so the bike doesn’t run him over on the sidewalk.

“Oh my God, are you okay? Are you hurt? I can’t believe that man! When will delivery men stop driving on the sideways?! That’s so dangerous,” A young man with wide and expressive eyes keeps talking, fast and energetic, going faster than Jinyoung can process. His mind doesn’t process what almost happened, and the man who still has his arm is babbling and that’s more distracting.

The man who saved him is with another man, fair and handsome, who helps Jinyoung regain his balance and breaks the hold the talkative one has on him.

“Are you okay? Really? Sorry for grabbing you like that but I thought that man would kill you and you didn’t move even when he was honking. Are you okay?” the young man asks again, looking utterly concerned.

Jinyoung feels dizzy, losing count of the amount of times the young man has asked him if he’s okay.

“Jackson, he can’t answer if you don’t let him talk,” the other gorgeous man speaks, so much calmer, putting his hand on the shoulder of the slightly shorter man, calming him. It’s curious how the one who saved him changes his body language, relaxing, leaning a bit closer to the other man and breathing deeply.

“I’m okay,” Jinyoung answers, blinking to shake the stupor. “Thank you,” he bows his head, not wanting to stay there a second longer, not having the energy to deal with people.

Without waiting for what they say, Jinyoung starts walking away. He does not stop, after all, he’s not really _there_. After of what it seems hours walking, he makes it to the Han River. The sun shines bright on the sky, the afternoon is warm; it feels like spring has finally arrived even if the wind is still chilling, especially on the bridge so high above the vast waters of the river.

Jinyoung grabs the rails, leaning back and looking up, closing his eyes so the sunlight hits him in the face: and he breathes in. The air is so polluted, contamination levels are high but he still breathes it all in, filling his lungs with fresh air and micro-particles, letting the sun warm him up a bit.

He opens his eyes, looks forward and leans in the same direction, his chest against the rail. He’s in that bridge that has all those supportive sentences, in hopes to stop the many people who attempt suicide right there. He looks to the right and he can see that phone post with an emergency line.

 _You are not alone_ , reads the sentence he’s leaning on.

But no, Jinyoung isn’t there to jump; he rarely is there for that reason although he might feel tempted at times. The young man is there just for the view, for the air, for the calm. It’s so loud around, with buses, trucks and cars passing by so fast, even a subway line rattling not too far. That same hullabaloo mutes his thoughts, louder than whatever he thinks and he likes it.

By the riverside he sees people walking by, jogging, biking or just resting. People sit on the difference benches or the grass, on blankets and talk and eat, laughing and enjoying the good weather. Jinyoung watches them from above, completely detached, like someone watching dead insects in a museum, having no feelings and just observing how different they are from one another.

Someone biking along the riverside catches Jinyoung’s eye and he watches that person go by, and only because of that he notices how a kid playing with other kinds runs after the ball that escaped them, without looking and getting in the way of the cyclist. Jinyoung cannot hear if there are screams or anything, the events happening too far from him, all what Jinyoung sees is the cyclist doing his best to avoid the kid who freezes in the middle of the bike road. The cyclist turns right too fast, with too much force, losing control and crashing against a bench at the other side, impacting with the front wheel and falling forward, over the bench and then to the ground. Jinyoung doesn’t get to flinch in pain for the poor cyclist, his mind flashes images of a different accident, one in the middle of the night, in a lone crossroad. A big truck coming his way, lights blinding him and then the impact.

Strong.

Fast.

Thunderous.

Jinyoung flies in the air, his whole body feels broken and he doesn’t register any pain just yet, too much to even process.

His broken body isn’t the worst, not at all. The worst part is seeing how the truck hits another car, one that was just waiting there. Jinyoung can see clearly the accident, the way the car turns over, trapping a person inside.

All because of him.

A horrendous accident and he’s seeing it all over again.

Jinyoung gasps, he cannot breathe because guilt comes to choke him, with tight hands around his throat and his knees give out, he cannot see anything but the car upside down, the smoke coming out of it.

“Help” he breathes out, shaking as his body collapses on the ground on that bridge, gasping for air and trying to escape theme memories, the accident. It had never come to him like that, the flashbacks so strong and real and Jinyoung doesn’t know what to do to stop seeing them.

He only cries.

“Please, help.”


	10. help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Jinyoung shuts his eyes so tight it hurts, he grabs his head in his hands and presses, as if like that he can contain and control the flashbacks, but all he feels is more pain. If he cannot see, he can hear: the collision, the screeching sound of the car against the pavement.

He can barely breathe, and it feels like sinking in dark waters, not knowing how to swim.

But someone grabs him, pulls him up. Jinyoung feels hands on his shoulders, shaking him a bit but not too strong, or at least strong enough to get him out of where he’s lost himself.

“Hey, are you okay? Can you hear me?” someone asks, voice filled with worry but it sounds so distant.

Jinyoung feels hands on his face, wiping away tears.

“I told you he wasn’t right!” the same person yells, clearly to someone else. “Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay. Can you hear me?”

The young man cannot see yet, his eyes cannot focus but he can hear a bit. He tries to focus on that for now, clinging to those voices to escape the void.

“He’s hyperventilating. What do you do when someone has a panic attack?” the one who is holding Jinyoung asks, voice frantic and scared.

“I don’t know!” someone else answers, a voice a bit more distant and it’s hard to understand what he says, it makes Jinyoung focus more and that helps. “Let me look it up.”

“Hey, can you hear me? Nod if you do, please,” the person holding him asks, and barely, Jinyoung nods. “Good, good. Focus on my voice, okay?”

“Try counting with him!” the other voice adds. “Slow and constant, that should help him control his breathing.”

“Thanks,” the other man replies. “Hey, count with me, okay? Even if it’s in your mind and then try to count out loud, okay?” Jinyoung nods faintly. “One… two… three… four…”

Jinyoung counts in his head with the man, only focusing on the numbers. The other man counts to ten and starts again, and it’s after the third round so Jinyoung can count out loud, too. By the fifth round he can see. By the sixth round Jinyoung is breathing more normally and looks up, actually seeing the people helping him. He is shocked to recognize the men that saved him from the oncoming delivery man, the same man that pulled him, smiling kindly at him.

“Are you better now?” he asks, Jinyoung can’t remember his name, only his face. “Can you stand up?”

Jinyoung nods, and allows the man to help him to his feet. He feels weak and extremely tired, but he’s escaped the darkness of the accident.

“Th-thank you,” he mumbles, voice hoarse. The young man looks to the side and sees the same man that was with his rescuer; he is smiling as well, relieved.

“I noticed you weren’t doing all right before. Sorry for following you,” the man in front of him answers.

“He was so worried he persuaded me to turn around and try to find you,” the other man explains. “I’m glad he did, though.”

Jinyoung feels grateful, too; for being rescued. It had never happened to him like that, and he doesn’t understand how a minor bicycle collision affected him like that. It wasn’t similar to his accident in the slightest. Regardless, he’s thankful those strangers were concerned about him, enough to look for him and help him when he was so hopeless.

In that second, as a brief thought, comes Jaebeom to his mind. Before he can even develop that thought, he shakes his head and instead focuses on thanking the men again, gathering all his strength to bow.

“Thank you,” he repeats, honestly feeling it. “I don’t even know why I had such a panic attack, but I’m thankful.”

“Are you feeling better now?” the man closer to him asks, the slightly shorter one and with a stronger build.

“I’ll be better,” Jinyoung answers honestly. He is extremely tired, still shaky and scared, but he knows that, too, shall pass.

“Are you sure?” he insists and Jinyoung nods. “Do you want us to take you home?”

Involuntarily, Jinyoung flinches. Going home now is the least appealing thing and knowing his mother will be there and ask him those obligatory questions about therapy and what he did afterwards makes him more reluctant to go there.

“Or maybe not home,” the other man asks, the taller one. “Jackson and I were heading to a bowling alley, do you wanna come with us?”

Jinyoung is utterly surprised that they even offer, inviting a total stranger who just had a panic attack, just out of worry and compassion. It’s even more surprising how the slightly shorter one nods furiously, immediately accepting the proposition, eyes wide in excitement. It reminds him of a puppy.

“Oh no, I couldn’t possibly impose on you like that. I’ll be fine and I—”

“It’s not imposing on us!” the other man replies, the one called Jackson. “I’ll be at more ease knowing you won’t be alone in case something happen, and there’s nothing better than playing when you’re having a bad day. Plus!” he continues, speaking so excitedly that Jinyoung can tell he’s being honest, not just polite. “It’s always nice to make new friends. Right, Markie?”

The adoration in the other man—the one that probably is called Mark and not Markie—is so evident, so pure and warm Jinyoung feel a bit envious of how open that is, how clearly in love Mark looks.

“Wholeheartedly agree, _Gaga_.”

Honestly, Jinyoung feels a bit uncomfortable. It seems to him Jackson and Mark aren’t just friends and he doesn’t want to third-wheel strangers, but then Jackson turns to look at him, with the biggest and most powerful puppy eyes he’s even seen, so much he feels suddenly attacked and like he has no other option but to agree.

“Do you even get to tell him no?” Jinyoung asks Mark, who laughs at his shock.

“Rarely; his puppy eyes are too powerful,” Mark answers, too amused.

“Yes? Yes? Please?” Jackson insists, the puppy eyes intensifying and Jinyoung feels cornered.

“O-okay,” he mutters and Jackson’s joy is so pure and bubbling, Jinyoung’s too impressed to put into words.

“Great! We were going to a one a bit far from here but maybe there’s one close by we can find now, right?” Just one look to Mark and the taller man grabs his phone to look for a bowling alley. Jinyoung is so impressed with these strangers, changing all their plans to accommodate him, to look after him.

Are these people real? And how is that only now Jinyoung is meeting people like them?

“I found one,” Mark announces, gaining more cheering from Jackson and soon Jinyoung is being led somewhere he has no idea.

Is it part of being suicidal following strangers? A little voice in his head tells him he shouldn’t be doing that, to be more cautious and just thank the strangers and go somewhere else. But he’s weak, exhausted and totally drained. It might be more dangerous to be left alone.

Thankfully, they do go to a bowling alley and Jinyoung isn’t even allowed to pay, which is even more disconcerting. He should be paying for everything, as a way to thank them, but in perfect unison, Mark and Jackson refuse him. Instead, he buys snacks for everyone, plenty of snacks.

The alley is small and there aren’t many people, and it’s like a typical one, with bright colours, loud music, the constant sound to knocking pines and laughter.

They get their shoes and prepare to play, setting on an isle and going for balls in the desired weight. In all honesty, Jinyoung is too tired to play, any ball is too heavy and he’d prefer just watching, but when his turn comes, he just rolls one ball without style or effort. Surprisingly, he knocks two pines and Jackson jumps and celebrates two much for such pathetic outcome. Mark did much better (knocking six pines) but Jackson clearly sees him as his direct competition.

Then Jackson comes and he is so incredibly serious Jinyoung is surprised, he didn’t think a person who looks so joyful and energetic was capable of such expression. It’s as if he was measuring every angle for the perfect strike. His pose is perfect, the way he moves, how he swings the ball and rolls it… just for it to deviate midway and gracing one pine that barely falls. Jackson doesn’t move until that pine falls, frozen in the perfect pose. When the pine touches the floor, he turns with the same stoic expression, stands straight and curls his bicep with his fist clenched, slightly shaking it… in victory.

“Yes!” he exclaims and Jinyoung snorts, laughing out loud.

“It’s all about the attitude, no matter what, it’s always a win,” Mark mutters, explaining Jackson’s mindset, apparently. Jinyoung continues laughing, even more when Jackson does the same after the second shot and fails completely. “He truly sucks at almost every sport, except fencing,” adds Mark, also amused. “He’ll never accept that, though.”

And it is true, Jackson gets lucky only once with a strike he celebrates in the same cool and collected way as when he didn’t throw a single pine, and that is more amusing. Even more so when he cheers so loudly for Mark and even louder for Jinyoung. More than once has Jinyoung been caught and forced to jump around in celebration, just dragged by Jackson.

Honestly, Jinyoung is having a great time, he’s laughing and living that moment. Without even trying. Jinyoung leaves behind the flashbacks and the panic attack, and nobody says anything when his body is too tired to play and he just rolls the ball with both hands like a kid would, or when he starts passing because his arm can’t keep up, this is the most he’s moved since the accident and his body cannot keep up. Aside from those horribly cold days when his arm was killing him, this is the first time he feels the physical sequels of the accident. But even that doesn’t weight on him when he’s having so much fun, even just watching Jackson and Mark play.

Ultimately, Mark wins for over seventy points and Jinyoung loses, just because he didn’t play the last rounds, and even then he only loses under Jackson by seven points. Jinyoung doesn’t mind, he had such a good time and now he feels so much better so it’s all worth it.

“Does anyone feel up to ice cream?” Mark asks when they leave the isle and return the shoes, collecting all their items to walk out of the alley.

It’s around five in the afternoon, the sun still shining bright but the temperature a bit chillier, as to be expected at the end of February. Ice cream doesn’t sound like the brightest idea, it’ll make them feel cold and maybe give them a headache; however Jinyoung is in high spirits, or maybe it just Jackson’s infectious behaviour, so he feels like it.

“Me,” he replies to Mark, smiling and receiving a warm smile in return and Jackson babbling about tastes and what kind of ice cream to get.

They end up walking to a Baskin Robin’s not too far and instead of picking a flavour they like, Jackson suggests to pick the most outlandish and flamboyant flavour they can see. That’s how they end up with ice creams of colours like the rainbow or galaxies and tiny explosions in their mouths when they taste them.

It’s joyful.

When they step outside while eating ice cream, the temperature feels even colder and it starts becoming more evident it wasn’t a good idea to eat outside. Mark starts giggling, the colder he gets, the more he giggles and it’s incredibly endearing, especially when he starts bouncing. Jinyoung smiles as he eats his ice cream, not being part of the conversation about how Mark never learns his lesson about not eating ice cream when it’s still winter.

Jinyoung realizes it’s late when the colours in the sky are warmer and everything is painted in an orange veil; it’s only then when he realizes he has spent the whole afternoon with Mark and Jackson.

“I should get going,” Jinyoung points out. They somehow ended up walking and window shopping in the busy streets of Sinchon. “Thank you for inviting me along. Sorry for intruding your date.”

“Oh that’s totally fine, we had so much fun. Plus, we always go on dates anyways,” Jackson replies casually and honestly, confirming for Jinyoung that the two men are together as he suspected. “There’ll be more dates for us, right Markie?” The addressed man nods his head with a smile. “You look better so I’m happy with that.”

“Thank you, sincerely. It was really fun,” Jinyoung tells them.

“It was fun for us, too.”

Jinyoung doesn’t know what else to say, feeling the awkwardness creeping in. He does not want to ask for their number or promise to keep in touch, but he feels ungrateful if he only walks away.

“I… have to go home. Thank you again,” Jinyoung bows. “Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

He can see how the other two men want to say something, but before there’s any attempt of friendship, Jinyoung turns around and starts walking away, feeling guilty. Jinyoung knows he isn’t in the right state of mind to make friends with such happy people. For one afternoon it was okay, more than that wouldn’t be right.

It’s better for Jinyoung to be alone.


End file.
